Wifeys & Gentlemen,
It’s December 31st, 2020 and I admit I woke up feeling a bit blue. Scrolling through my instagram feed, I felt myself shrinking. So many people were posting pictures of their 2020 highlights and talking about what they were able to learn and accomplish, and that bitchy little voice in my head went all the way in.
You didn’t do ANYTHING of value this year.
You gained so much weight.
You didn’t achieve your goals.
You abandoned your blog and your plans.
You don’t deserve.
You’re a terrible mom.
This list goes on…
I cried. If you know me, you know I’m not much for waterworks unless I am very drunk or seriously injured (physically or emotionally) but this time I couldn’t help myself. I couldn’t snap myself out of it as the tears just came flooding.
In the middle of the weep-fest, I paused and took a deep breath before breaking out into silent laughter (my baby was asleep haha). “What am I crying about?” I thought to myself, tears still streaming down my cheeks.
In all honesty, I still don’t really know.
However, what I do know is that it is SO EASY to get down on myself. It’s so easy for me to quickly forget about everything I did and all I achieved, despite this chaotic, dumpster-fire of a year. My highlights?
- On 12/30/2019 my husband and I went into the IVF clinic for my 2nd embryo transfer. Following a devastating loss, I was convinced this time wouldn’t work either. I decided to stay in on NYE 2019…juuuust in case that embryo decided to stick around (spoiler alert: she did).
- On 01/09/2020 I found out I was pregnant with my baby girl. Two and a half years, two rounds of IVF, and lots of disappointment… and I was finally pregnant! It was real.
- I survived 37 weeks of high risk pregnancy; from weeks 14 until the day I gave birth, I worked out 4-6 days a week and ate a lot of salad! My workouts included weights, HIIT circuits, and a 45-60 min walk. I gained only 14 pounds my entire pregnancy.
- I stood up for myself when my boss tried to make me feel worthless. I worked to improve my situation at my office and have felt way more content at my job (for the first time in a long time).
- Despite COVID-19 depression, pregnancy, and postpartum struggles, I gained over 60 new subscribers to this blog.
- I survived postpartum preeclampsia and almost 5 months of new parenthood
- I lost all of my baby weight
- I built my savings account to the strongest it has ever been and made an action plan to get out of debt (student loans included) by the time I am 45.
- As a new mom during a global pandemic, I wrote a 47 page master thesis (and got an A on the first draft).
- I have been a loving mom, an awesome wife, a loyal daughter, and a great friend.
- Despite setbacks, I have loved myself more. I have proven that I am so much more than what my ego tries to convince me I am. I am learning that it is okay not to seem “put together” all the time.
I am not much for resolutions. I have always felt like they put much pressure on us to “do do do, go go go”. If 2020 has taught me anything, it’s that sometimes showing up is enough. If you’re like me and don’t always want to make resolutions for the New Year, I suggest picking a word to guide and define you. Choose the word and ask yourself what you can do this year to live and breathe it in your day to day life. In 2019, I wanted to be consistent. In 2020, I wanted to be grateful. This year, I am going to keep it simple and choose love.
- Love for my job and the work that I do.
- Love for the people around me.
- Love for my body.
- Love for my mind.
- Loving my husband better.
- Loving my parenting skills at every single stage/phase/milestone (even the tough ones).
- Deepening the love between me and my daughter.
- Loving the process.
- Loving myself.
- Love and acceptance for my friends.
- Love for those who are different.
- Love for the ones who have hurt me.
L.O.V.E Love. ❤
I also like to pick a tarot card for the year and see what magic I can work to align myself to the principles of the card. Get creative about your year and go forward on your own terms (even if you like to make resolutions, that’s cool too!)
So if you are feeling down today, know that it’s alright. Try to remember all that you’ve done this year, just by showing up. You kept going in spite of what this year tried to take from you. You pushed through even in the darkest of times. You came out on the other side and now is your time.
Baby steps are key. Dream as big as you want. Do as much as you can.
More than anything, remember that 2021 isn’t a magical cure all for the hardship and trauma we’ve all faced. It’s okay to not want to do anything or adopt any new goals right now. Process. Be patient. Give yourself grace.
You are loved and you are love.
You are astounding just because you’re here. You are enough.
Please be safe as you celebrate tonight. Avoid parties and groups. Wear your mask. Drink responsibly and lookout for your friends and loved ones.
I will see you guys back on the blog on 1/10/2020! I am so excited and I hope you’re ready for me this year. I’ve got ALOT to share!
Please make my year and subscribe so you don’t miss out 😉
Until next year,
Carry on wifeys & gents!