Wifeys & Gentlemen,
Hello and welcome to September!
Getting right to the point, I am a little hesitant to post this blog today because I don’t like to narrow things down to gender. I am not a heterosexual and I know that the cis-het narrative is not the only one we should hear about and/or learn from.
I also don’t ever want to feel like I am excluding or isolating my readers. Yes, I know the blog is called “becomingwifey”, ok? But that doesn’t mean that I am not here for my LGBT fam! That doesn’t mean I can’t help out a hubby or a throuple.
At first, I thought I should apologize and agree to make it up to my readers who might feel slighted or left out, but then I remembered that I am one person with ONE experience in a sea of other, equally capable individuals. My perspective is that of a married, African American, bi-sexual female in a heterosexual marriage. I am in my mid 30s, I have one child, and I am decidedly middle class.
That’s it. That’s the best I can offer.
It’s me and my reality; the world in the way that I see and experience it.
So, today’s post is for my women who like to date men. If this is how you see yourself, great! Keep reading and let me know what you think. If not, no worries! I appreciate if you choose to keep reading and I hope you can still find value in the piece. I promise to always do my best to make sure that my content as universally accessible as possible.
I’d like to think that we are more alike than different. Just because you aren’t a woman who dates men, doesn’t mean that you won’t ever date a person like the ones I’m going to describe. Hell, just because you ARE a woman who dates men doesn’t mean that you will date a person like the ones I’m about to describe.
If you’re someone who jives with the idea of long-lasting love, then you might agree with me when I say that dating is sort of like commitment training camp. You cross certain milestones and learn important lessons about yourself along the way. Hopefully, by the time you meet “the one” you are a little more prepared to do what it takes to stay happily committed to them.
They say you have to kiss a few frogs to meet your price [unless you’re one of those adorable people who nail it on the first try] and despite my [modest] dating history, I realized that many of the women I know all end up dating the same type of guys at some point or another.
In my opinion, a single lady is likely to meet some version or variation of the following types:
I used to think it was just me, but you’d be surprised at how many women end up becoming very close to at least ONE of their exes in a totally platonic and friendly way. While I know a lot of people might think this is inappropriate or even impossible to be friends with an ex, often times, these types of BFF situations stem from romantic relationships that truly lacked real romance from the start.
Romance, of course, is subjective, but in many ways, this guy just doesn’t deliver in a way that makes you think of him long term. Sometimes it’s just the chemistry. Maybe everything between you is solid; he’s easy to talk to, you laugh at the same jokes, you have similar habits, or even share values/beliefs. Still, somewhere along the line, a part of this relationship just doesn’t feel right.
Overtime, the sexual connection might fizzle or you don’t make time for each other or consider each other a high priority. Before you know it, you no longer have feelings for him and you know he doesn’t have any lingering feelings about you. Somehow you both moved on from the relationship and forgot to break up!
Overall, your relationship was super chill and very easy. He helped you understand the importance of being friends with your partner; in the same breath, he also helped you understand the importance of deep intimacy. Even if you haven’t talked in ages, he’s got your back and he will always respect your future relationships and personal boundaries.
He’s the homie and you have so much love and respect for him.
The New Guy
Call it a phase, but I defy you to find me a woman who hasn’t done a little experimental dating!
…no, for once, I’m not talking about dating girls ;-).
Women usually have a moment (or two) where they want to date someone who is totally unlike anyone they’ve ever dated before. This could be a physical or superficial thing, of course, but is also relevant when it comes to compatibility and personality type.
They say that we can’t help who we fall for; while I tend to agree [mostly], I do believe that there is room for choices. it’s important for us to consciously date outside of our comfort zone and test the waters when an opportunity presents itself.
Real talk: women need to know what’s out there in order to better understand what we deserve. We gravitate to trying new things when we realize that what we have been doing isn’t working.
In other words, don’t be surprised if many of these new connections/flings don’t work out in the long run.
Many of these “new” or “rebound” guys are totally amazing, sweet, and harmless, but that doesn’t mean they’re right for you.
When you realize this, let him go and move on swiftly. Learn from the encounter and be honest with him as well as yourself. Being conscious is great, but you also have to kind.
The Lover Boy
This is the guy who brings out your wild side. Whether he’s a boyfriend or a friend with benefits, your sexual chemistry is on fire and it’s basically all you can think about. While he isn’t necessarily a “fuck boy” or out to hurt you or use you, it’s important to be careful when getting deeply involved with him.
What I’m saying here is…be honest with yourself, sis! Is this a good man or just giving good D?! Are you being swept off your feet or having the wool pulled over your eyes?
Even if he is a genuinely nice guy; do you really care about him? Does he support you and meet your needs? Do you have things in common? Is he responsible? Committed? What kind of person is he? What do you like about him? Where do you see yourselves in 5 years? 10?
Stay focused when this man comes along. Those bedroom skills will have you planning couples vacations and picking out engagement rings before you know what hit you! Use caution and take it slow.
Remember to be realistic and manage your expectations; understand the man behind the d*ck.
The ‘Almost’ Guy
More often than not, this relationship is amazing. You have finally met someone who is kind, considerate, loving, and checks nearly all of those boxes. He has aspirations and really wants to build a future with you. He cares about doing something meaningful with his time on earth. He has a nice family. He treats you with respect and makes you feel like an equal. He fosters children and owns an animal sanctuary filled with adorable puppies. You have so much fun together and he’s easy to talk to. He’s a great kisser and a very attentive lover.
Okay, ‘m exaggerating [obviously]. Still, within the handful of women I’ve asked, many of them recall these relationships as “practically perfect”.
Maybe he’s funny or smart? Maybe he’s ridiculously talented? There is something comforting and secure in this relationship. It often comes around when you’ve learned a lot about yourself; you’re on your grown-woman ish and you aren’t going to settle for less.
Sadly, no matter how perfect he is, no matter how perfect you are, something about this relationship just doesn’t work. Usually, it isn’t anyone’s fault. Maybe the spark isn’t there or there is something important holding you back? Maybe he’s unsure or having his own doubts?
Regardless of the specifics, it takes a while to get over this guy, even if you’re the one who ended the relationship. These experiences can be draining on your mental energy, making you question your confidence and whether the “right” fit really exists. Of course, I won’t lie to you, meeting this guy can often be a turning point.
You might change your approach to love and long term relationships. You might redefine who you are and who you want to be.
I have always tried to believe in and remember that we all have multiple soulmates. Not every soulmate is romantic and not every romantic soulmate is designed for our lifestyle or long-term plans.
Pour the wine, cue the melancholy music, and heal.
They call him “he who must not be named” for a reason.
It’s because saying his name fills you with negative energy! Don’t risk having him on your mind and messing up your mood!
If this sounds dramatic, consider yourself lucky that you never had to deal with this man.
Often times, this relationship is the one that takes the biggest emotional toll. It can be dramatic, traumatic, gut-wrenching, heartbreaking 💔 and/or toxic AF all at the same damn time.
Believe me when I say that while you should always try to find the silver-lining to any negative experiences you’ve had, recovering from these types of relationships aren’t without casualties and collateral damage.
It can take a while to pick up the pieces, but it possible. You will get whatever you deserve ♥️; hopefully, so will he! 🖕🏾😛.
Okay, so what do you think? Have you dated these guys before? Share some of your stories in the comments below!
I am thinking of doing a story time video about one of my Voldemorts (yes, I have more than one). Thoughts?
Until next time,
carry on wifeys & gents!
Don’t forget to like, comment, share, and subscribe! It would be an honor to have you back next time!