50 Shades of What the Hell?!

Wifey’s & Gentlemen,

In my previous post about Valentine’s Day, I mentioned that the holiday is the PERFECT excuse to be adventurous with friends or lovers and let your freak flag fly. Of course, this can mean a lot of different things from one person to the next, but one way that I think can be most appealing, especially to couples looking to spice up their sex lives, is dabbling in the world of BDSM.

Disclaimer: I realize that, for some, this will be a little taboo. & if it is, feel free to skip this one and come back next time. I also realize that there are some people who are so deeply immersed in the BDSM culture and lifestyle that they will find flaws or fault with this post. I get it! I do. But for the purposes of this blog, there is only so much I’m willing to explain. If you have experiences or resources you’d like to share, please please please feel very free to do so in the comments!

For the record, taboos and misjudgments aside, I think we’ve come a very long way as a society in terms of exploring kink in the bedroom. As someone who is pretty open about my experiences, I get a fair amount of questions about how to explore BDSM play in a safe, non-threatening manner. While I do not claim to be any kind of expert on the subject, I do have a few thoughts on how anyone might try dipping their toes into something that can be as playful or intense as you’d like.

Okay, Mrs. Renai, I’ll Bite…Tell Me, What Exactly is BDSM?

BDSM is an acronym that stands for:

  • Bondage/Discipline (BD) – which refers to the exploration of physical restraint and punishment
  • Dominance/Submission (DS) – which refers to the exploration of power dynamics, rules, and order
  • Sadism/Masochism (SM) – which refers to the exploration of sensation and pleasure that is achieved from either inflicting or receiving “pain” (I put pain in quotes because this does not have to be painful at all)

Keep in mind that many of these themes will overlap during play and can involve activities or games that target each area.

Okay, Tell Me the Truth; Isn’t BDSM Just about Inflicting Pain or Justifying Abuse?

No, contrary to popular belief, pain has very little to do with BDSM. In fact, lots of BDSM play does not involve pain or require anyone to be physically abused in any capacity. These games and techniques are about the exploration of limits and sensations. Engaging in these activities requires trust, strong communication, and an overwhelming sense of mutual respect.  You’ll find that those who are truly committed to and invested in BDSM culture are incredibly introspective, self-evolved, and analytical people. While not everything about BDSM has to be serious, because of the nature of the play, it is important to take it seriously. If you’re primary goal is to inflict pain on others, this isn’t the space for you.

Moreover, if someone is subjecting you to “games” of this nature that you didn’t agree to play, you’re being abused and need to seek help whenever and however you can. I like this table I found from the National Domestic Abuse Hotline:

So What Kinds of Things Should a Newbie Try?

There’s no “right way” to get into BDSM. As long as you are safe when choosing partners to engage with and have some level of trust between each other, you can start as big or as small as you want! It’s all about comfort. For the purposes of this blog, I’m going to offer some recommendations that are very very beginner friendly and fall on the side of playful instead of super intense, but I’ll leave some recommendations for further exploration at the end of this post if there are any wifeys who’d like to learn more.

  • Restraint & Bondage
    • Buy a pair of handcuffs and see what it’s like to be intimate without the use of your hands!
    • Use silk scarves to tie your lover to the bed, leaving them at your mercy
    • Command your partner to be still and not move for an undisclosed period of time or restrict their movements while they are asked to complete a sexy task or act.
  • Sensation Play
    • Blindfold your partner and feed them sexual aphrodisiacs. Make them guess what each item is and “reward” them for all correct answers. If you have consent, maybe try to punish them for the ones they guess wrong? (decide on acceptable punishments ahead of time)
    • Tickle each other with feathers or tease each other with ice cubes. Experiment with candle wax (PLEASE make sure the wax you use if safe for the skin! Regular candles typically burn too hot; order low burning candles online or purchase them from a sex shop in your area)
    • Use headphones to give your partner an auditory experience during intimacy
    • Explore light biting or playful spanking
  • Mental/Psychological Play
    • Play a round of master/slave; the slave must be willing to adhere to the master’s every whim and obey their every command.
    • Explore role playing (most role play, you’ll notice, will explore power dynamics in sex: teacher-student, doctor-patient, officer-criminal, etc)
    • Some couples enjoy dirty talk, name calling, humiliation techniques, and shaming — please do your research before getting involved in this. Like everything, BDSM can have a darker side. If you’re into it, great! But please make sure your partner is on the same page or things can get uncomfortable quickly. I have had FIRST HAND experience with someone saying something to me that I felt was creepy, offensive, and crossing the line. PLAN AHEAD.

But What’s the Catch?

There isn’t one!

If you’re truly interested in exploring this side of your sexuality, I highly encourage you to do so without shame or judgement, regardless of your gender, sexuality, or current relationship status.

All I ask is that everyone is safe and educated!

The BIGGEST mistake that you can make is rushing into something without talking about it first. Whether you’re trying this with a long term partner or a new friend, the key is communication! Sit down and make sure both parties know what they want and know what to expect.

A Few Final Tips:

  • Establish ground rules at the beginning so that everyone knows how far they can and should go (ie: if you don’t like to be spanked, say that up front)
  • Create TWO safe-words. The 1st word is your “warning” word. It signifies that you aren’t asking to stop, but you’re feeling a little uncomfortable and might want to stop soon. The 2nd word is what tells your partner you want to stop immediately. Make the words personal to you but easy to remember.
  • RESPECT BOUNDARIES. Do not ever continue if someone says no or asks to stop. Even if they do not use the safe-word, it’s important to check in and make sure your partner (and you) are okay and having fun. More experienced players might eventually discover that “no” doesn’t really mean “no” during play, but this is established beforehand and usually comes after several sessions of getting to know your partner’s likes and dislikes.
  • Avoid using drugs or alcohol. I know you might be thinking that you’ll need a few shots before you can truly consent to letting your wife tie you up, but it’s really important to be fully present and level headed during BDSM play.
  • Please don’t be afraid to say no. If you try something and find out you don’t like it, you don’t HAVE to do it again (even if your partner enjoyed themselves). Kink is not for everyone! If someone has to pressure you to try something, you might want to reconsider engaging with them in this way.

Finally, it’s very important to check in with your partner immediately after play to ensure that everything went well and you both are feeling safe and connected. Yes, even if you aren’t in a relationship, the ‘aftermath’ is so important. Have a drink and chat about what went well during play. Give each other complimentary feedback on things you felt were exceptionally pleasurable or fun. Remind each other that you care.

Have any of you ever tried any BDSM Techniques? Please share your stories in the comments below or with me on social media!

Want to learn more? Check out these affordable books (I have read both and found them very valuable):

  1. SM 101: A Realistic Introduction
  2. Exploring BDSM: A Workbook for Couples (or More!) Discovering Kink

I also highly recommend finding books or websites that explore your specific interests (once you’ve discovered them). Have an affinity for bondage or think you’d make a great Dom? There are literally hundreds of books out there to cater to your needs.

If there is interest, I’d be happy to do a podcast on BDSM and kink! Let me know in the comments below.

Until Next Time,

Carry On Wifey’s!


Mrs. Renai

🙂 ❤

Be a lamb and tell your friends…

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