Wifeys & Gentlemen,
Sorry I’m late with the post this week. Now that I’m being more open about my pregnancy, I can FINALLY confess that my energy just isn’t what it used to be. My first trimester was a nightmare when it came to keeping my eyes open. I swear I slept 15 hours a day, even when it wasn’t intentional.
Now that I’ve hit the 1/2 way point (slightly beyond), I can agree that I’ve had a little more energy to spare. I’m down to just 1 nap per day and I can actually do 45-60 mins of exercise 5-6 days a week without wanting to die. STILL, the hormones and whatnot just hit different, ya’ll. I still have days where all I want to do is rest. I still have moods that aren’t conducive to blogging, and this weekend was no exception.
On Friday 5/15/20, I turned 33 years old! Back in February, just before the lockdown began, I had a professional tarot reading where my darling psychic told me that my birthday would come and go without much event or fanfare. This was a little surprising for me because:
- If you know anything about me, I LOVE MY BIRTHDAY!!!! I celebrate it with gusto!
- I’m pregnant, so I thought maybe aging up would feel more…ceremonious, perhaps? Like it would have more meaning this year?
I accepted the prediction with hope that maybe having some kind of foresight could help me change the tide, having no knowledge of the pandemic or how it would impact my need/desire to celebrate.
Honestly, I can’t say for sure if it was my pregnancy or the lockdown that kept my spirits mellow and serene this year; probably both. When I woke up on Friday morning, I felt good, but heavy. I know heaviness is usually associated with sadness or distress, but it wasn’t like that this time.
This year, the heft was both literal (I swear this child gets bigger each day) and emotional. I could feel a (metaphorical) weight on my heart and pressing against my shoulders. It was the weight of something big, something that I am still unable to explain.
Everyone talks about how parenthood changes you. I believe women are at an advantage if they choose/are able to carry their children; we are hit very early on with this complete shift in perspective and reality. It’s a shift that I don’t quite have the words for yet; tangible and metaphysical at the same time.
I’d like to say I feel this itch every year, but that is a lie. Sure, the older I get the more troubled I become by whatever I believe I “lack”, but this time it’s deeper. It’s a sense that everything around me and within me is about to change in ways I have yet to comprehend.
& I know that whatever is out there is not going to come without some true awakenings, lessons, and genuine healing along the way.
This year my goals are pretty simple. Some people say you shouldn’t share them, but I believe that sharing myself is a huge part of what I love about blogging and it has made me a much better human. Here goes:
I want to rediscover myself and redefine what it means to love. I want to explore my roles in this world and touch them in ways I believe I have forgotten; as a daughter, a wife, a mother, a writer/creator, an employee, and a friend. I want to travel deeply into my new body. I want to celebrate the things it’s done for me and heal the parts I’ve neglected. I want to push it physically beyond what I ever thought possible. I want to better understand it sexually and appreciate it in the ways my husband does; to see it in the way he sees it, to value it as more than a vessel. I want to achieve something big. I want to create something important and forward moving; an element or aspect of my highest self that moves my career, finances, and abilities to places I’d only thought of in my dreams. I want to be an amazing partner; more loving, patient, and understanding. I want to learn how to accept the love I am given and burrow myself so far into it that I finally begin to understand how fathomless marriage and soulmates can be. Finally, I want to forgive myself for the mistakes I’ve made in the past. I want to learn how to love myself through every misstep I will make in my roles, especially as a mother. I want to accept good things and understand misfortune as a part of living. I want to own 33 in such a way that there is no looking back.
Until next time,
Carry on wifeys & gents!
Thank you all so much for sticking with me for so long! I am excited to show you just how much I can grow this year, and I know that this community will be a HUGE part of that. Make sure you’re subscribed so you don’t miss out on this journey…we’re doing it together! ❤
Be a lamb and tell your friends!
Photo by Mr. B (my hubby made me a brownie Sundae and it was AMAZING)!!!!