We All Could Use A Laugh

Wifeys & Gentlemen,

Originally, I had a really serious topic planned for today’s post. Since I am still planning on fully completing that article sometime in the near future, I won’t give anything away just yet, suffice it to say that what started as an innocent BuzzFeed article took me down quite the dating rabbit hole and into something kind of depressing.

Once again, this week has been pretty exhausting. I will likely end up having to work a little bit AGAIN this weekend, and I am still battling the guilt of only being a semi-present mama as I juggle the ups and downs of full time work and full time parenting.

I know I sound like a broken record, believe me, I know.

I’m beginning to feel like that one meme:

It never slows down. Drive, work, drive, sleep, drive, work. | Funny  picture quotes, Funny quotes, Laughter therapy

So instead of further stretching my already exhausted brain, I decided to slow down.

I decided that this week, I deserve to laugh.

Did anyone else watch this week’s episode of The Bachelorette? This is my 3rd full season that I’ve decided to follow and the whole thing is just cringey and sad. I promise, I’m not being a judgmental bitch when I say that! The way these men have been behaving is just so deeply silly this season!

Generally, I actually love the show! I’m pretty sure I’m a forever fan.

But I can’t help but get in my feelings at how woefully unrealistic it is! Can you imagine these people meeting and dating in the real world? Would they feel the same? Would they connect so deeply without the magic of tv to push them along?

It’s been so long since I’ve dated but, from what I recall, most of my dates have been pretty terrible! Even the guys I ended up falling for make for some pretty cringe-worthy dating stories.

With that in mind, I thought it might be fun to revisit some bad dating stories from people in my personal network! I cast a wide net for responses and submission and, believe me, they did not disappoint!

I hope this post (and The Bachelorette if you’re interested) gives you a smile to start your weekend!

Without further preamble, I give you some of the WORST dating stories you’ve ever read…guaranteed to make you LOL.

A Real Bad Kisser

One time I went to the movies with this guy. He was iffy, but I was bored so I went with it even though he was kind of boring too. Long story short, he kissed me and practically drooled in my mouth. It took everything I had to keep from audibly gagging. I might be done with men. For real. 😂

female, 18

Married Couples Have Bad Dates, Too!

My husband and I made plans to meet up with his friends for dinner. It was a family event, but he somehow got hammered and decided to race one of his friends INSIDE of the restaurant. Naturally, he fell, bounced off of a wall, and knocked 3 teeth out! I have the video evidence to prove it.

female, 35

Wingman Gone Wrong

My worst date was actually a double date. My sister was seeing a guy whose cousin was in town for a visit; she invited me out with them and we decided to go to dinner. The guy wasn’t really my type at all but I figured I’d be nice and just power through it. We didn’t talk much during dinner which made things even more awkward when I joined them back at the boyfriend’s place to “chill.” I sat quietly in the living-room with a guy I didn’t know, unsure of what to do or say. How does it get worse, you ask? Well…he decided to get up and turn on the TV; the second he stood up, a pistol fell out of his pants! I pretended I didn’t notice but alerted my sister immediately so we could go home!

Female, 38

I Got 15 On It

My friend insisted on setting me up with her cousin. I really didn’t want to do it, but I caved and decided to go on a date with him. We went to an Indian restaurant and I was actually pretty excited because I’d never had that type of food before. He was experienced so he took the liberty of ordering a bunch of food for us to try. A little later, the bill comes and he casually says “I got $15 on it.” Mind you, the bill was over $40 total and remember HE ordered all the food! I was sure to report back to his cousin about it and the family made fun of him for awhile afterwards.

female, 34

Date & Ditch

I once took a girl out to one of my favorite nightclubs; my boy was having a birthday party so I knew there would be a VIP table, complete with bottle service. We’d gone on a few dates previously and I really liked her so I wanted to impress her and show her off to my friends. Well after about two hours of dancing and drinking, she got “white girl wasted” and went home with a guy she met at the party.

male, 22

A Lesson in Dental Hygiene

I don’t really date much, but one of the worst ones I can remember was with a dental hygienist. He kept staring at my mouth; in the car when he picked me up, waiting for our table, and even over dinner. Finally, he asked if he could tell me something without me “getting offended.” He proceeded to try to convince me to let him “get rid of those brown stains” on my teeth! I know my teeth aren’t perfect, but BROWN just wasn’t accurate. And he wouldn’t let it go! He just kept talking and talking and trying to get me to agree to let him fix them. I finally had enough and ended the date. Ugh!

female, 43

Twinsies

Went out with a guy I met on POF after a week or so of texting. He was really cute and I was legit excited to be meeting him in person. I get to the bar and something is off, but I can’t quite put my finger on it. After a few minutes, I realize that he doesn’t really look like his profile pictures. I mean, it was “close” but definitely NOT what I was expecting. Being the outspoken baddie that I am, I confronted him and asked if he used FaceTune or Photoshop to doctor up his pictures. His response? “Nah, those are pictures of my cousin. We look alike, he just takes better pics.” Honestly, he was cute too! A little less fit, but I wouldn’t have cared. I can’t deal with liars, so I left.

Male, 36

Sex Education

I’m 19 and this really cute guy comes into the bank where I work. He deposits his paycheck and I find out that his sister is one of my coworkers. He asks me out and I agree to go for pizza. We meet at the restaurant later and things are cool until his sister comes into the restaurant with her husband. They ask to join but he shoo’s them away and I figure he just wants to be alone and get to know me better. As the conversation progresses I’m discovering that this guy and I have NOTHING in common and I’m sure I won’t see him again. He was trying too hard to hold intelligent conversation and it was just bad. Things like reading a story in the local newspaper and calling it ‘The Some Times’ (it was the Sun-Times). Anyway as his sister is leaving she reminds him not break curfew. At this point, I get suspicious….he goes to the restroom, but leaves his wallet on the table. I have no shame… I opened his wallet to check his drivers license, but only find his high school ID. He just turned 16. He was still a sophomore! When he returned, I told him we couldn’t see each other. He sees the wallet open on the table and says “I just want someone to teach me sex stuff!” *Sigh*

female, 57

A Sticky Situation

In college, I went out with a guy and ended up back in his room. We were getting pretty hot and heavy during our make-out session and I make my move, putting my hand into his pants. Just as I am beginning to touch him, 💥. I get his juices all over my hand. Freaked out and embarrassed, I decide to call my friend and tell her to bring me home. I felt so awkward and uncomfortable that I didn’t even wash my hands in his bathroom before I left. I just kept my hand up in the air, making sure that none of the goop dripped onto my clothes or my friend’s car. By the time I got home my hand was crusty and smelled awful! I was mortified and didn’t speak to him again.

Female, 42

Just A Jerk

In a nutshell? He was SO RACIST! & he wasn’t shy about it either. I guess because I’m Chinese, he thought I was one of the “good” minorities, but he had some pretty choice words for all other POCs and I just couldn’t stand it. I was polite for one drink and eventually left with a few friends who I’d asked to come with as a safety net. I’m so glad I asked because I REALLY needed an escape plan! Always make sure to meet new people in public places and bring a buddy if you can!

Female, 27

Never-Ending Nightmare

This is kind of a long one so sit tight! I met this guy outside of a bar one night and he was cute so I decided to give him my number. We started texting and he asked if I’d like to hang out. Me and my bestie decided to meet up with him and one of his friends; she was doing me a solid as my wing-woman since I didn’t want to go alone. I decided to really put an effort into my outfit for the night, which must have made him extra nervous! We met up at his place so we could chill before heading out. We smoke a little weed and have a drink or two (side note: I am not a big drinker), but suddenly, this guy starts taking shots to the head!!! I swear he downed like 4 or 5 of them before we even left his place. While we’re on our way to the bar, he proceeds to tell me all about his ex girlfriend, who he is OBVIOUSLY still in love with. This continues while we are sitting together at the bar…and he drinks EVEN MORE! He is slurring his words at this point, rambling about different things and trying to dance up on me from time to time. [Yes, I was DYING inside]. Of course, my homegirl is having an amazing time with the other guy! They really hit it off and were completely unaware of my struggle, btw. Realizing that I somehow became the wing-woman of the night, I suck it up and decide to go grab some late night food with this dude, who can barely keep his eyes open. Seriously, he was shit-faced. We sit down and order food. He gets chicken wings and begins eating them like a child, throwing the leftover, half-eaten bones onto MY plate to discard. As we are heading back to his apartment, this fool tells me he LOVES me! Being the nice friend that I am, I decide to give my friend a little more time to enjoy the end of her night. No lie, this man has the AUDACITY to try to get into my pants! I admit that he’d been trying at different points throughout the night, but by this time I’d had enough! He was aggressive and I was uncomfortable! I told my friend we had to leave and we finally got out of there. Once the coast was clear, I told her everything that happened and she was LIVID! He texted me the next morning with a weak ass apology for being “too drunk” and I let him have it! I told him to never contact me again and thought that was the end of it. It’s a long story but, believe it or not, we actually ended up becoming really really close friends. While what he did was uncool, I know that wasn’t his true character and I was able to forgive him. He’s apologized and has more than made up for it since; and I promise whenever he goes out on dates now, he’s a perfect gentlemen. 😉

female, 32

So, what do you guys think? Did any of these stories make you laugh as hard as I did? Think you have a funnier, cringier story to tell? Feel free to leave me and comment and share! I would LOVE to hear more of these.

If you like this type of post and would like me to do more in the future, be sure to give this a like and share your thoughts! It both helps me out and makes me feel pretty damn good!

I hope you all have an amazing weekend! I will see you back here on Sunday [unless the universe doesn’t want me to shine].

Until next time,

Carry on wifeys & gents!

Love,

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Please stay healthy and safe, ya’ll.

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