Are You Coming On Too Strong?

Wifeys & Gentlemen, 

Happy Leap Day! Since I’m a bit behind on my posts this week, I figured it might be fun to post something on this extra day in the year!

I hope you enjoy this rare Saturday offering! 😉

Recently, one of my former high school classmates made a post on Facebook about a date she’d gone on where the guy was just coming on way too strong.

It really freaked her out.

Fortunately, because they are both sane, functional adults in their 30s, she was able to be honest with him about her feelings and he was completely understanding. He acknowledged that he was being a bit overbearing and it made her seriously uncomfortable. 

While this was a great exchange and it made me really proud to see two people navigate a compatibility issue in a kind and mature way (there’s hope for humanity, ya’ll), it made me very curious about the concept of coming on too strong when dating someone new.

Today, I want to dive into some signs that you might be coming on too strong in hopes that all of my single wifeys and gents can either avoid these pitfalls or see the red flags in someone else! 

As a little disclaimer, I’d be remiss if I didn’t point out that not every behavior listed here will be alarming or bothersome to everyone. Please don’t feel attacked if you like to do some of the things on my list when you’re dating or getting to know someone. We all have preferences and if your methods are working for you MORE POWER TO YA! 😉 💪🏾

While I’m pretty smart, I know I’m not always right and my advice is not “one size fits all”, okay? 👍🏾

Now, let’s get into this list!  

1. You’re always the first to reach out (text, call, etc)

Some people are just naturally better communicators and leaders. If you’re someone who likes to take initiative and make plans or check up on people you care about, that’s great! However, while I don’t advocate playing GAMES with the people you’re dating, if you’re seeing someone new, it might be a little better to take it easy on reaching out all the time. Let them be the one to connect with you on occasion. It gives them a chance to make plans or take the lead AND it teaches you something about them and their personality.

Ask yourself this: wouldn’t it be better to know that the person you’re dating wouldn’t reach out to you if you didn’t reach out to them first? 

It might be a sucky lesson to learn, but it helps you know the kind of person you’re dealing with. Right? 

2. You tend to send multiple texts or call multiple times if you do not receive a response

Okay, so maybe you disagree with my first point. Maybe you don’t think it’s weird to always be the first one to call or text. That’s cool.

But PLEASE don’t be that person who follows up with multiple calls and messages until you receive a response.

I’m sorry, but it’s just creepy.

I don’t do this as a married woman (unless it’s an emergency) and I definitely would not recommend it for someone you are casually dating. If they don’t respond to your text or voicemail, they could be busy OR they could be giving you a hint to back off. 

3. You show up unannounced or invite yourself along to their events/outings 

It is never okay to show up at someone’s home without telling them. Again, if you’re in a committed relationship, there are a few exceptions to this rule, but generally speaking, it’s something to be avoided. People need time to prepare for your visit. Give people the respect they deserve and never assume it’s okay for you to just pop up on them. Honestly, I know there are those of us out there who do not mind if someone just drops by. Still, this is usually a friend or family member that has a more established relationship with us. If my friend is in the neighborhood and checks to see if I’m home, 9 times out of 10, I’m not going to be upset at all. If a guy I’ve gone on a few dates with just shows up to see what I’m doing; I’m going to be creeped out. It’s kind of stalkerish, even if that isn’t the intent. 

On a semi-related note, try your best not to just invite yourself along to their events or outings. Again, there are always a few exceptions, but typically, it’s just plain rude and puts people on the spot. If they want you there, they’ll say so.

Please don’t take it personally if you don’t get invited!

You have no idea what the original plans were or the reason why the event was scheduled. It doesn’t mean they don’t like you or don’t want to spend time with you. Let them have their separate time with their friends and family. 

*side note: if you’re not exclusive, they also have the right to see other people and go on other dates. Don’t make it awkward or get your feelings hurt by inadvertently trying to invite yourself on one of those! 😾

4. You don’t give them personal space or “me time” 

Related to my previous point, it is considered creepy and overbearing to feel entitled to all of someone else’s time. Even if you’re in a committed relationship, it’s important to give your partner space to do things on their own. 

Please refer to my previous blog if you need some pointers! 😉

When you’re dating someone new, it’s okay not to see or speak to each other every day. This is how trust is developed. You can trust that they still like you and are still thinking about you, even when they’re doing their own thing. Plus, you need your own downtime as well. Sometimes spending too much time together too soon can cause unnecessary friction or tension between two people. Relax a little. Go with the flow. 

5. You are always on their social media 

While some people might think this is being nitpicky, I think this can also come across as a little “stalkerish” if done too often and too soon. Sure, we all carefully scrutinize our new crush’s Instagram, Facebook, and Twitter pages. It’s how we get to know someone in these modern times. But please don’t be the person to go back and like every single one of their photos or make comments on every damn thing.

Moreover, if you’re always the first one to like/comment on their newest posts, it makes it seem like you’re just sitting around waiting for them to make a move. It makes it seem like you’re keeping tabs on them. While I’m sure this isn’t usually the case, try to keep it chill. Yeah, you can like their posts and make cute comments sometimes, but doing it often & immediately is almost like constantly texting. It makes someone wonder if you have a life outside of them. It makes them wonder if you’re trying to track their day to day activities or find out things about them you might not already know.

It’s creepy & obvious.

Don’t do it. 

6.     You want to label your relationship too early.

Everyone has a different idea of when it’s appropriate to have the “where is this relationship going” talk. For some of us it’s three weeks, for others it’s three months.

A couple of nice dates is, in my opinion, WAY TO SOON to try to have this talk. It makes you look desperate and makes your date wonder why you’re so eager to tie things down. 

Look, when I first met my husband, I was so excited about him! I would go out of my way to spend time with him, even when it was inconvenient for me! Still, even though I knew he was someone really special, I was fine waiting for a couple months until we knew it was the right fit. 

I’d say, don’t put a timetable on it. Feel it out. If you know things are going really well and your connecting on an emotional level, maybe you only need a month of dating before you decide to make it official? Maybe you both are casually dating multiple people and it takes you 3-6 months to decide? It’s okay! You have time and there is no need to rush. 

Be wary of the man or woman who tries to lock things down after a handful of dates. There is probably a reason why they are so eager, and you might need more time to figure it out. 

7. You pretend to be interested in EVERYTHING they are interested in 

I’ve talked about this before, but it’s totally normally to want to seem “cool” to the person you’re dating. Maybe you exaggerate your love for football? Maybe you say you’re into a band they really like? Maybe you pretend to know all about Caribbean cuisine, when you’ve only tried it once or twice? All that stuff is pretty par for the course. These are little white lies that make you seem a little more appealing and we’ve all done it before.

On the flip side, pretending to love everything your partner loves is NOT ok. If someone always appears to like exactly what you like, it’s going to become weird and feel disingenuous. 

Please, don’t ever feel like you have to change who you are to impress someone. If your date loves sports and you’re not into them, it’s okay to say so. Compromise and promise that you’ll still go to a game or two with them, just because they like it! 

The right person for you will want to know the real you. They’ll want to understand your interests and share their differences with you. There is no need to pretend. 

8. You reach out to their family and friends without permission

Weird. Weird. Weird. 

Don’t do it! 

If you find some of his or her friends or social media…DO NOT contact them! Do not send friend requests or slide into their DMs! Do not add them on snap chat. 

None of it!

Meeting friends and family is sacred and special time in a relationship. When a person is ready to bring you into their life in this way, they will. It’s so invasive, rude, and downright cringey to try to insert yourself without their knowledge.

THIS, my wifeys & gents, is a huge red flag and one of the fastest ways to send a new, potential love running for the hills. 

Please, if you listen to nothing else, NEVER EVER do this. 

Don’t do it! 

Don’t get me wrong. Someone who engages in these behaviors might be a great boyfriend or girlfriend down the line.

I understand that sometimes people get nervous or overly excited, sometimes they’re having an off moment or coming out of a bad previous relationship.

But sometimes… people are just creepy!

Whatever the case may be, if you feel like the man or woman you’re dating is worth a second chance, give it to them! 

Just be careful that these little overbearing traits don’t turn into something more sinister. 

So, be honest, has anyone out there ever done any of these things after a few dates? Would you add anything to list? Please feel free to share your stories with me in the comments! I’d love to hear them. 

Until next time, 

Carry on Wifeys & gents! 

Love, 

Photo by Martin Péchy from Pexels

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