Today, I want to talk about casual sex.
Yesterday, I reposted a funny tweet on my IG page.
The basic premise was someone wondering why “nice/warm” weather turns women into hoes. Of course, I don’t completely agree with this statement, but the responses made some valid points and reminded me that spring is on the horizon.
With cuffing season becoming a thing of winter’s past, many of my single readers might be getting ready to get out and start dating again.
Personally, while I still hope that everyone is being safe and remembering that COVID didn’t just disappear overnight, I am simultaneously excited for the girls to safely get their groove back this season!
In all of the excitement over sunglasses, cute sandals, new swimsuit trends, and citius-forward cocktails, it has recently come to my attention that many of us are out here getting our feelings hurt!
Really, ya’ll? Is this true!
Are we back to putting ourselves in situations that are ultimately unhealthy or toxic. Are we engaging in relationships that serve us no purpose?
Remember my loves, casual sex and dating isn’t for the sensitive or faint of heart! You don’t always get back what you put out, and sometimes you get more than you bargained for.
As usual, I thought I would put together a quick list of tips I’d give to anyone who’d like to start having casual encounters without the hurt feelings.
These might be pretty obvious and basic to some, but I think we often fail to keep even the simplest things in mind when we’re caught up in emotions.
Look for partners who want what YOU want.
It really is that simple, wifeys. Go for the ones who are looking for a similar kind of connection as you. Of course, not everyone is going to be honest about this, but you can’t control what anyone else does, you can only control you. Be open about what you’re looking for and avoid people who try to change your mind or violate your boundaries.
Don’t over contact/communicate; keep it light.
Don’t get me wrong, I am not suggesting that you should take weeks to respond to a text message or start regularly ignoring phone calls, just don’t overdo it.
You don’t need to text all day, everyday.
You don’t always need to respond right away.
You don’t have to chat on the phone or meet up for coffee if that isn’t in your comfort zone.
Keep things casual by not sticking to routine conversations or regular messaging patterns. Check in when you feel like, respond when you feel like, and minimize the pressure.
Believe me, once you get used to those “good morning, beautiful” texts, they can become hard to give up.
Sidenote: don’t start habits with your casual partner that you don’t ultimately want to maintain…it makes you look like an asshole (sometimes).
Set boundaries and keep them.
Boundaries, ground rules, terms and conditions…whatever you’d like to call it, make sure that you and your hook up have a very clear understanding of expectations. This is true both for one night stands and long(er) term FWBs. [Friends.With.Benefits]
Communicate what you like/dislike, speak up about what you will and will not do, and make sure that everyone involved understands they are allowed to bail or end the “relationship” whenever they see fit.
Sounds harsh? It might be.
But remember that you get to decide what this looks like.
Some people want complete emotional detachment from their hookups/flings while others are okay with developing friendships and deeper connections.
There is no wrong way.
The only wrong is not having boundaries at all.
Don’t expect them to act like a boyfriend/girlfriend.
This is what separates those who can handle casual relationships and those that probably shouldn’t try*.
Casual means exactly what it says: casual.
Usually, this means that nothing is exclusive and you should not expect your partner to treat you like you’re in a committed relationship. While you should always expect respect, good treatment, and a mutual understanding of boundaries and rules, the rest is considered “icing” on the cake.
Don’t confuse the chemicals you feel in the afterglow of a great night with the reality of your situation.
Sure, you and your hookup might go out and do fun things together from time to time. These are NOT dates (unless you’ve established that they are). Don’t look to this person to pay for your meal, don’t be upset if they don’t always give you undivided attention, and don’t get silly if you see them out and about with someone else.
*Sidebar: There is ABSOLUTELY nothing wrong with NOT being the type of person who enjoys and/or benefits from casual sex. It doesn’t say anything negative about you. Never feel pressure or put pressure on yourself to be someone you aren’t.
We are who we are.
Check in regularly.
Every now and then, ask your partner how they are feeling about things. You can find a way to do this without sounding weird or being awkward. Make sure your partner is still on the same page as you, make sure they aren’t having stronger feelings they’d like to explore (unless you’re into that), ask them if they are still okay with how things have been going.
More importantly, check in with yourself!
How are you feeling about things? Do you feel comfortable or are you ready to walk away? Are your feelings becoming stronger than you’d like? Are you ready for something more?
Self-care during casual hookups is so important for SO many reasons.
Don’t stop the sexual realationship you have with yourself, don’t stop being clear about your wants and needs, and don’t lead anyone down a path you don’t want to walk down.
Diversify whenever possible.
One of the crappy realities of casual sex is that the more time you spend with the same person, the easier it is to become attached to them.
You might consider adopting an informal “timeline” for when you see this partner.
Once a month? Once a week? Bi-weekly?
Are you okay with seeing multiple people at once? Do you prefer to just have one casual relationship at a time?
Shy away from regularity and routine (unless that’s what you’re looking for)
Find ways to spread yourself around, making it impossible to become too comfortable in any one situation.
[or don’t…be careful, but be you]
I admit, I’ve been out the game for the better part of 10 years, but I still know a thing or two about a thing or two, and I know that casual dating is about protecting your spirit, energy, and peace.
I don’t want my wifeys out here with hurt feelings and bummer summers!
Feel free to share your thoughts in the comments. I am waiting for you guys to stop being shy and talk to me! 😉
Until next time,
Carry on wifeys + gents!
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