Just Don’t Let Go of the Handle

Wifeys & Gentlemen,

Excuses are for assholes and although I know an argument can be made about my status in that category, I don’t want to make a bunch of the same excuses as to why I haven’t been here in almost a week.

My truth is the likely the same as everyone else. Life is fucking hard, sometimes. Today is March 1st (2nd technically but…🤷🏾‍♀️) and it’s hard for me to believe that it’s already been a full year since this crazy pandemic began.

A whole, long year.

I look at my beautiful 6 month old little girl and wonder how I’ve managed to “keep it together” this long.

Then I remember that I actually haven’t. It’s both hilarious and humbling.

I don’t sleep well, I don’t eat well, and my days bleed together so monotonously that it’s hard to remember who I am and what I like.

I’m anxious about the future and try to enjoy hopes and dreams with cautious, calculated optimism.

I worry about my family and wonder if it’ll ever be truly safe and comfortable for us to travel, see friends/family, or even sign my baby up for daycare; what does socializing a baby even look like in 2021?

I worry about work.

I worry about not working.

I spend way too much time both hating and worshiping money and teetering between wanting to ‘eat the rich’ and believing in the fantasy that if I just keep moving forward and working hard I’ll be one of them someday.

Sometimes, I wonder if we’ve just exchanged Jesus and old-time religion for manifesting and the attitude of gratitude. If we all know the secret then it isn’t truly a secret anymore, is it?

All of this to say that between being a full time employee and mother, I’m beginning to question if any other parts exist. Of course, I’m sure I’d do this even outside of a pandemic, but there is something about deafening alone time that is never REALLY alone that begins to boggle the mind and slightly crush the soul.

I’ve watched more movies & TV this year than I think I did in my whole 20s.

To break things up, at least I get weekends off and am blessed to have time with my extended family and friends.

My mom and dad visit when they can and we’ve been able to see my sister’s-in-law when occasion allows. Although it sometimes scares me, I allow myself the privileged indulgence of a “pod”.

You know?

That small group of friends you allow yourself to hang out with once or twice a month and trust to NEVER get COVID…like cross your heart and hope to die?

Without these things I’d be insane, but realistically, even with these things, I know I’m not truly “ok”.

Are you?

Is anyone?

I think we all need to be a little more okay with not being okay, you know? Sometimes we just have to spend a little time really feeling our feelings and working through our shit.

Other times feelings are easier to ignore.

I’ve been really feeling my feels.

I’ve been worried, sad, anxious, frustrated, exhilarated, content, excited, overwhelmed, exhausted, underwhelmed, hopeful and completely numb; all in the same day.

I was lucky enough to spend a little time with my friends this weekend and one of them said something to me that inspired this entire blog. She said:

You’ll be fine, just don’t let go of the handle.

– Sarah

Of course, out of context that probably doesn’t make much sense, but the more I thought about it, I realized that all of us our being tested right now. We are being shown what matters most and being forced to confront some of the ugliest and weirdest parts of ourselves and each other. It’s a rollercoaster ride of intense emotion and it often feels like we are going to explode; no matter what happens, you just can’t let go of the handle.

I don’t know if this post will make much sense. It’s 12:25a and I’m in the early stages of sleep training my baby with hope that it’ll allow me to enjoy a more regular schedule again. It isn’t easy but I keep reminding myself that 10-12 hours a night of baby sleep means more of a life for myself. It means more of the things that make me remember…me.

I dream of nights with my husband in our own bed, watching movies. I get giddy over the prospect of more time to catch up on chores or household tasks. I tingle when I think of recording more videos and writing more blog posts with the space that has now become usable “after hours”.

I can’t promise that everything will always be perfect because I am not perfect.

However, I can promise more honesty and vulnerability in the moments where I am not. I can promise more teachable moments of self-love of acceptance. & I can promise, if nothing else, to see you guys this Wednesday for another recap and review of T.I episode #3 on the podcast! 😉

I love you all and have missed you dearly!

I’ve got some good stuff to hit you with this week and I hope to see you there.

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Until next time,

Carry on wifeys & gents!

Love,

Photo by Ketut Subiyanto from Pexels

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